Wednesday, February 3, 2016

I Need Your Help!

Are you a bisexual man?  Send me an email at thesexpertsadvice@gmail.com to receive a questionnaire for an opportunity to participate in my new book!


Thank You!!

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Vagina Victory

Hey Sexpert, 
I was just wondering if you had any resources on the female orgasm. I'm an extremely sexual (although monogmous) person with my new partner. With past partners, I've never had any trouble getting off with them. I have only ever had an orgasm from oral sex and never from vaginal sex. I think this this is because I have clitoral orgasms and not g-spot orgasms. I would like to explore new ways of orgasming and do some research on g-spot orgasms. How do I know if I've had one? Is there a way to train your body into having different kinds of orgasms? Am I making any sense? I'd love to experience a g-spot orgasm but no matter how hard I get fucked, fingered, or use a toy i just don't feel anything until they start rubbing my clit!
Help! Thanks!

- G-spot Explorer
This post is going to be full of medical drawings... I can tell


Dearest Explorer,
It sounds like you know exactly how to find your g-spot.. but the above diagram is to make sure we don't leave anyone behind. As pictured above, the Grafenburg spot is credited for being the internal source of vaginal pleasure (and sometimes squirting).

Did you know that by asking me about different sorts of orgasms you were stumbling upon a sociopolitical minefield? See, there are schools of thought.... One originating from our favorite father of psychology, Freud. Being that he thought the driving force of all humanity was their sexuality, he made his career upon developing the theory of psychosexual development . Within this theory he made the insensitive assertion that mature women, would be able to achieve vaginal orgasms and abandon her fascination with the clitoris.

Ummmm... *cough cough* ..... Oooook..




So, as you can imagine, dear explorer, feminists were like, "Fuck this old white man Freud and him telling me what parts of my body make me an adult." ... and who can blame them? I post a lot of work from one of my favorite feminist artists, Sophia Wallace, to my facebook page. She is not the first to lady speak out against the lack of importance placed on female anatomy in our culture. The premise behind her project, Clitracy, is to bring attention to the lack of attention the clitoris receives in architecture, media, pornography, and medicine. A message I can fully get behind!

I can tell your question wasn't about what area of the body "decent woman" should focus on during orgasm, however. No, your question was free from cultural biases and came from an empowered sexual being trying to get her rocks off in the best way possible. Dear explorer, you are in search of the creme dela creme of orgasms. Because, why shouldn't you be? The Blended Orgasm has captured the imaginations of vagina owners in the last ten years (I want to say since dual motor vibes became a popular item - and they continue to be!). In every publication that promises "sex tips," the blended orgasm has been explained in an instructional manual format.

Yet struggling to experience a vaginal orgasm is an extremely common issue no matter how wonderful these instruction manuals are. Only recently, was I enlightened to find out why!

Naomi Wolf is a well-known third-wave feminist author. Due to her writing on the vagina's role in childbirth one of my good friends (an aspiring midwife at the time) had picked up one of her books: Vagina: A new Biography. I borrowed the book last fall and have enjoyed learning about the vagina from Naomi, albeit sometimes the language she uses is a little hippydippy for me. Little did I know how controversial this book was! Apparently, the assertion that vaginas and brains are connected is offensive to some women (precisely the sociopolitical minefield I mentioned before, dear Explorer). However, I think the truth of that particular MEDICAL FACT is a freeing one!



Naomi went to the doctor when her orgasms were still occurring but they weren't burning as brightly as they had before. She found out that her pelvic nerve had been pinched by an unknown back injury. Most of us non-medical sorts do not know about nerves and bones and organs and the exact interconnectedness our entire body shares with our brain. However, vaginas are special because while the nerves that connect men's penises to their brains looks rather uniform, the nerves of the vagina are all very special snowflakes!

So, my entire life, I knew about the clitoris, g-spot, and a-spot as three general areas of female sexual pleasure. However, knowing that each woman is innervated completely differently is an awe-inspiring thought! There is no uniform way to give a woman pleasure. What feels good for one will feel great for another and will feel blah for the third. There are women who love anal, and women who love receiving oral, and women who love being penetrated deeply, and women who love being shallowly penetrated... And I find this FREEING because none of this is a reflection of how grown you are, or how sexually liberated you are, if you are repressed, or depraved! It is just how God made the snowflake of your vaginal nerves!





Do you want to be thinking about your role in ending patriarchy while you are trying to cum?

Do you want to be examining what your psychological hangups are that prevent you from enjoying vaginal penetration while trying to cum?

Do you want to second guess your partner's technique while you are trying to cum?

Do you want to try to follow a seven step process to achieving a blended orgasm only to decide your equipment must be broken while trying to cum?

Answers: No, No, No, No...


So now you don't have to, dear Explorer. You get to actually EXPLORE what makes you feel good! If its not the g-spot, so what? Find your own spot ;)

What the brain/vagina connection actually means for women is that a good orgasm has the power to knock us into a trance state! When I first began studying psychology, what I was most fascinated by was the utilization of the relaxation response to combat physical and psychological woes. Our orgasms have an immense influence on the neurochemical processes within the body that keep us calm, confident, and joyful. The euphoria one feels after orgasm is attributed to the fact that parts of the brain that govern inhibition shut off. However, all of this can be difficult to achieve if anxiety blocks an orgasm from occurring in the first place or we deny ourselves the type of stimulation that feels best to our unique bodies.







The fact that there is a difference between men and women sexually, in my opinion, shouldn't threaten the principles of third-wave feminism. I think that the science in this instance confirms them! Differences among people groups should be celebrated through means of inclusion. It should mean that women should give themselves freedom and permission to say, "Nope, that's not how you get ME to cum. Let me show you."

Happy exploring,




- The Sexpert






Tuesday, March 31, 2015

My Very First Podcast

A few weeks ago,  I arrived at our local gay bar.  I had a great time recording a podcast with some hilarious like-minded sexperts.  Put on by my local sex shop, The Great Northern Sexcast is full of down to earth, funny, and informative sexual conversation!  I cannot wait to return!

My Episod



Saturday, November 15, 2014

Sexual Scientists and Superheroes

I first became acquainted with the world of sexual research while working on my masters' thesis paper last year.  It was about what happens when counselor's have bi-phobic attitudes in therapy with bisexual male clients.  When reading the literature on male bisexuality, there were many controversial views, but also many gaps!  I was reading journal article after journal article, each with a new slant on the nature of male bisexuality, when I ran across this article in the New York Times.  It was really excited to get a "behind the scenes" view of the research I'd been pouring over for the last six months.
If you would like to read my literature review described above, email me a request: thesexpertsadvice@gmail.com to receive a copy
Part of what takes place off the page of any research journal is the funding.  Part of how the American Institute for Bisexuality is seeking to illuminate issues facing bisexual individuals is through funding research studies about them.  Many sexual minorities struggle with feeling isolated, however, and the stories - qualitative research- of other sexual minorities brings comfort. That's why I was excited to learn about this new book, Recognize: the Voices of Bisexual Men.  The only goal of such a book is to lift up the lived experiences of bisexuality from diverse people.  

It hasn't just been topics facing LGBT people that have been difficult to fund research, but sexuality in general!  Some of this is due to stigma and puritanical societal standards (which have always posed a struggle for sexual research), but some problems just come with the territory.  For example, who participates in sexual research?  A certain "kind" of man or woman, right?  Sexual research projects have sampling issues because the participants are too few (resulting in a low-powered study) and there is a question about if someone willing to undergo plethysmography  is someone representative of the larger population.

Enter.. THE INTERNET!  You are probably already familiar with the practice of data mining.  Truly, we are taking a giant voluntary survey with every click and mouse stroke.  Some of the funnest infographics I have ever found are from OkTrends.  Some have accused OkCupid of conspiring to keep its users single so they can continue to extract endless amounts of strange correlations from them.  Did you know Pornhub also keeps up with its data?  You are a sex research participant every time you visit by casting your vote for what YOU find arousing.  Suddenly we have data from vast samples of incredibly average human beings.

Now, there is a book about such data.  Not just compiled from Pornhub but from the entire internet.  Every strange and squicky fetish entered into google and lots of gems taken from comments left on X-rated videos and erotic fanfiction.  It is A Billion Wicked Thoughts by Ogi Ogas and Sai Gaddam.  I am in the midst of reading it right now and LOVING it.  Suddenly, a neglected field of human behavior is blown wide open by piles and piles of quantitative and qualitative data!


A vaginal plethysmograph
I will get the privilege of hearing Ogi Ogas give a keynote address this Spring and I had the privilege of recently attending a conference hosted by the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Abusers.  ATSA  is a professional organization for counselors, researchers, and law enforcement officers that prevent sexual abuse.  It was there that I got to hear Jesse Bering give a keynote address titled Does Lust Makes us Stupid? (hint: it does!).  It felt refreshing to hear from a man so well versed in sexual research!  And to be sitting in a room with a thousand other sex nerds!  Riding this high, I bought his newly published book, Perv: the Sexual Deviant in All of Us.  I also came up with a new professional goal for myself: give a keynote address and plug my book - the guy cleaned up!  Perv is about sexual research that would seek to explain some of the oddities of sexual behavior, but sadly relies mostly on animal research.  

Luke Malone was also among the keynote speakers present at ATSA's 33rd annual conference in San Diego, California.  He discussed the year he got to know Adam, the young man behind Virtuous Pedophiles.   Malone obtained interviews from Adam and his friends to write this note worthy piece about Adam's dedication to the project.  This in turn got the attention of This American Life podcast.  This coverage uplifted the story of enormous sexual controversy, struggle, and stigma.  This prompted many more people to reach out to Luke and Adam for support and help finding resources to deal with their attractions.  However, for adolescents a stark lack of resources became obvious to everyone.  This prompted a new initiative, one which Adam will be an adviser for, to provide more services for pedophiles who have not yet sexually offended!  This focused area of prevention will save many from heartache.

Therein lies a very tangible example of why research in the area of sexuality is so important.  Plus, it was fun when researchers (who's names I was able to recognize) began to follow The Sexpert on Twitter :)




Keep on exploring and making discoveries,

- The Sexpert

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Time Heals All?

So how do I tell my wife of 20 years that foreplay is a 2 way street? At 44 things take time to get up...  It stems from her childhood. She was sexually abused by an adult male. As such, all these years later, she resents that aspect of sex. She has gone to counseling, but it hasn't seemed to help her at all. Don’t get me wrong, she loves intercourse as long as long as she doesn’t need to do anything.  As I have become older, I don’t respond as I did when I was 20. This is now becoming a problem. Yes, we have chatted many times, but now it just what it is.... 

- Not Hard As I Once Was





Not Hard,

When I very first started began seeing male clients, my supervisor commented that the best thing for one of my (very) sexually preoccupied clients was just to get older.  When I inquired what that meant he explained just how normal your condition is.  After age 40, a man can expect his testosterone levels to drop by 1% each year.  Testosterone has many effects on the male body, most famously, however, is sex drive.  "How low is too low" when it comes to testosterone and andropause is still being debated in the medical community.  I wouldn't worry about what is natural to your body getting older.  I tend to believe that pharmaceutical companies tend to medicalize normal body rhythms for the hope of making money.  Instead, NH, why not embrace what lessons this season of life is trying to teach?

My Human Sexuality professor was a couples' counselor in private practice.  He explained that much of his clientele was older.  Changing bodies inevitably bring about sexual transitions and force many couples to confront whatever intimacy problems have been underlying and un-discussed for years.  His primary examples were from the work he had done with an older heterosexual couple; the male had been sexually abused as a child.  

So this "problem" you're describing sounds exceptionally "normal," given your set of circumstances.  I am glad that you and your wife have talked because communication is the only method that will work to solving this thing. There is a way to be honest and respectful about your needs.  I encourage you to state plainly what you need to enjoy your sex life again.  Your wife may not know how to do the same. When you say, "as long as she doesn't need to do anything," it makes me wonder if she is disassociating during sex.  In that case, she may not know what she wants from sex.  Disassociation is just a fancy psychology term for spacing out - hard. Its a defense many victims of trauma use to mentally escape.  Your wife may experience intercourse as enjoyable but is unable to stay present and engaged in the moment.  This poses a huge barrier to connecting and being intimate.  I don't blame you for struggling to stay aroused as sex has likely has become somewhat of a chore for you at this point. Your lowering testosterone is an opportunity for you to finally confront this issue as a couple.  



So what can be done?  Yes, chatting with your wife.  Yes, you being honest about how this has become a problem for you.  Also, be willing to get creative!  If you know there are things she does not want  to do, perhaps there are other things you haven't thought of yet to try? Sexy movies, sexy outfits, sex toys?!  

For her?  Maybe trying counseling again.  I know that might sound silly given the fact that she has already tried it.  What I try to encourage people towards when choosing a therapist, however, is to be shrewd consumers. Just because someone has the diploma on the wall does not mean they are the right person to guide you to wellness.  What makes choosing the right therapist so tough is that counseling is inherently abstract - there is not a perfect prescription medication and no way to X-ray a visual of the problem.  When something goes wrong with our bodies we see a doctor that specializes in that issue and they have been trained to issue a specific treatment.  Therapy works similarly, you should see someone with training and experience with the problems you are working on. Psychological issues, however,  are so much more incredibly nuanced than medical ones. As human beings, our experiences are infinitely unique. Perhaps your wife saw someone who specialized in childhood trauma, but if they never addressed your married sex life in therapy... Well, that would be like going to a dental hygienist for toe nail fungus simply because they have experience cleaning in hard to reach places.  Does that make sense?

You two should find someone experienced in helping couples cultivate sexual intimacy within their relationship.  Be clear with your potential counselors that the goal of therapy visits is for your wife to develop comfort with sex acts that will keep you aroused. Do not stop looking until you find someone you feel comfortable working on that with.  Keep looking for the right help. Keep talking about your needs. Keep fighting for your happiness.



 Best wishes,

- The Sexpert

Monday, April 28, 2014

Interview with Local Artist Tvylor!

I have known this girl a really long time, always as an artist and poet.  When I started writing The Sexpert, her work took on a new significance to me. I had a new found respect for the bravery it takes to publicly express sex-positivity.  I deeply respect art as a medium to speak about sexual freedom. So, how thrilled was I when she agreed to an interview?!



Were you always interested in photography as a vehicle for social change?

I did photography as a hobby in high school and was a freelance photographer for three years before I got to the whole social change thing.

Up until 2012, I had become over weight.  After failing many times at keeping an exercise routine and healthy diet, I decided to try one last time before I called it quits.  I just wanted to feel physically good again rather than always feeling tired and as if I had no energy.  To my surprise, I succeeded at losing weight. 

I began posting daily on my Tumblr blog and Instagram account: selifies, family, random things.  One by one my followers increased.  It’s not a lot, but it’s exceeded what I would’ve anticipated if I had anticipated.  I was just doing my normal routine of blogging and posting photos (I’ve being doing that for years).   I began receiving messages/comments/reblogs (Tumblr and Instagram) from girls, women, and men who were applauding me for my courage to stand against the stereotypical definition of beauty (flat stomach, thin, long legs, etc.).

This was when I decided to begin the whole “camwhore session” thing.  With this, I also realized how powerful photography (or Art, in general) is and just how much I could do with it through social networking.  I had only seen it done, I never imagined that I could use Art in this way.  Somewhere along this path, it became clear that many people who were now paying attention to me, most likely wouldn’t have paid any attention if I had not lost the weight.  People who didn’t believe I’d be able to get anywhere in life suddenly were asking me for advice, people who told me I was fat suddenly wanted to claim me as their friend, men no longer walked past me to talk to my friends first; this list is ridiculous and cruel.  This was where my body positivity came to play.  I stopped my diet (and have pretty much gained 10 lbs. since, but whatever) and began promoting self-love, as this was something I had to teach myself to overcome my personal struggles.

I’ve always been aware of issues like self-harm, body image, race, culture clash, environmental issues, etc.  However, it wasn’t until recently that I decided to create art for social change.  This all leads me to where I presently stand.


   How did you find the inspiration to begin taking (almost) nude photos of yourself?
    
    I actually always did this… probably since I was 18.  Then, it was me trying to fit in, be sexy, and appeal to people.  I was young and na├»ve, lost and stupid.  I continued this theme throughout the years, even when I was overweight, taking photos or wearing clothes in a fashion that would hide my flaws, still believing that by doing so, people could recognize my beauty.  Now that I think about it, I think it was less for the people to find me attractive, but more of a self-esteem issue.  I wanted to see myself as beautiful, so I did what I thought would make me beautiful.  It was a hard time in my life.  I felt uncomfortable in my own skin, in my clothes, around people; I had zero confidence and ended up treating myself badly as well as allowed others to treat me badly because I disliked my self-image. 

    In 2011, I pulled myself out of a physically violent relationship.  I realized that I needed to stop treating myself badly in order to stop others from treating me even worse.  For a while I spent much of my free time alone reflecting and doing the things I wanted to do: rebuilding myself and rediscovering who I truly was.  I thought back to who I was when I was 20 and missed the courage and fearlessness I had then.  I contemplated on my inspirations and was reminded of my admiration for Suicide Girls.  The beauty they represented, how they didn’t care about your weight or stretch marks, how their photographs were absolutely stunning, yet vulgar. 
    
    And it went from there to my weight loss story to present day.
      
   You’re from a Hmong family.  Do Hmong cultural values or expectations for women effect your art in any way?

Definitely.

For one, I’m the first generation of children to be born in America in my family.  For two, I’m the first born child in my family.  And lastly, I was an only child for thirteen years.

Hmong women born and raised in our homeland, for the most part, never attended school or received any kind of education and were basically taught to obey, serve, and become a housewife, mother, and daughter-in-law.  In contrast, Hmong men are the head of the household, they are basically our “everything.”  They get the first word, the words in between, and the final say; it’s their way or there’s no other way.

There are many gender issues in our culture as we continue to evolve and adapt to a new country and new way of living.  There are also many other issues such as polygamy, domestic violence, emotional abuse, etc.  Many of my inspirations for change come from my personal experiences with these issues as well as issues I’ve witnessed or learned about through school or interest.

What kind of reaction have the photos of yourself received online?

A great deal of my audience are men.  Which is obvious considering the work I do is “vulgar.”  Some of them are great sports and some of them are just rude and perverted.  It’s expected, but it’s still annoying; however, it doesn’t matter, as I understand it can’t possibly be prevented and what does matter is that I know the purpose of my Art and continue to create for the portion of my audience who is there to support my purpose.

Other than that, I’ve met and conversed with many people (both men and women) online who do follow me and my work because they appreciate what I am doing and understand it for what it actually is rather than what the media has made us believe it is.  I also have many younger women and teenage girls who follow me and seek advice from me.

I’ve also received plenty of “hater” messages to stop because I’m fat and not cute.  But what does that teach me about myself?  It only teaches me about how shallow and conformed and possibly insecure others are.  (These types of messages are typically from females). 

  You are intentional about your use of the word “vulgarity” and call the sexy photos of yourself “camwhore sessions.”  Do you think being intentionally vulgar can have a positive message?

For me personally, it was hard to look at photos of myself or step in front of a camera because of my weight.  I was just re-entering the selfie scene and allowing myself a way to see what I looked like without being repelled.  Vulgarity was a form of expression rather than the adjective the dictionary proclaimed it to be (“lacking sophistication or good taste”).  I mocked it through my camwhore sessions and my art, kind of in a satire-ish nature, to ridicule this definition and give it a whole new meaning; my own meaning.


Vulgarity has nothing to do with sexiness or sexuality nor does it have anything to do with selling sex.  We’re conditioned to believe that revealing the skin and body defines the person doing the revealing as someone “easy,” “slutty,” someone who lacks self-respect, is not classy, or is asking for attention.  Truth is, we’re all vulgar behind closed doors in our own ways.  I think the majority of the population have watched porn, looked through a Playboy magazine, made Barbie and Ken have sex, have been aroused, have masturbated, have had sex, or have a naked photo of themselves hiding somewhere (lol).  But because this subject is touchy and for some reason, still hasn’t been fully accepted, we tend to disregard the fact that vulgarity or nudity is not lacking, it’s actually quite natural and normal.

I’ve re-defined this word through my creations as something that can be embraced without sexual intent.  Being vulgar is also being self-confident, being comfortable within your own shape and form, and having the intelligence, courage, and self-love to do so.

No matter what you do in life, there will be people who disagree, disapprove, and dislike you or what you’re doing.  There will be plenty of people who misunderstand, judge, assume, misinterpret, or simply disregard your purpose or intention.  I don’t believe that is my problem.  I think as long as I know what I’m doing and make it clear on my bio, photo, or project what my true intention is, is enough of a positive message to send. 

   Your “Beauty Is Diverse” series sends a very direct message.  Do you think you’ll do more photos that have an overt theme of body-positivity?
    
    I’d like to do a shoot with a large group of people and a body positive theme.  I don’t know when that’ll happen, but it will eventually :)

   You also keep up with photo projects that are completely unsexual in nature (siblings, clothed selfies, animals, etc.).  Do these differ in importance from your other projects at all?
    
    I’m not quite sure these could be compared in importance as they’re so different in nature.  In photo projects or camwhore sessions, I am clearly focusing on certain things.  Whereas, my random photos of family, nature, scenic, travel, etc. are more of personal interest posts.

   What can we expect to see from you in the future?
  
    There are many projects and issues that I want to develop projects around.  All the ideas are there, it’s now a matter of time, finance, finding participants, and then actually creating it.  I plan to release other projects in 2014 and continue doing so as we move into the future.  The projects will vary; they won’t all be social change focused.  I won’t reveal any details now since I’m always changing up my ideas and can be pretty indecisive at times! 

You can follow Tvylor's updates, posts, weird stuff, or message her at:
Facebook.com/officialtvylor – Photo/Artwork fan page
Daretorealizereality.blogspot.com – facts, opinions, writing, photos, updates on social issues, how to live a greener, non-toxic life, etc.
Officialtvylor.tumblr.com – Tvylor's personal blog which features Photo/Artwork as well as personal writing
@officialtvylor – Twitter
xxxtvylorxxx – Instagram –  updates almost once per day



Stay Inspired,

- The Sexpert

Monday, December 30, 2013

Consent

Sexpert,

I have a question about the last time I had sex with my boyfriend.  It was kind of scary because he choked me.  I wasn't expecting it and I passed out.  I asked him why he would do something like that to me and he said he thought I would like it because lots of girls do and its hot. We have been together for about a year and he has never done anything like that before.  I am scared he will try to do it again and I don't know what to do if he does?

Freaked Out


FO,

A significant other should NEVER make you feel helpless!  I don't like telling people straight up what to do but I want to yell at you to get away!  Why am I so alarmed?  Because sex is something a couple should only engage in with the shared goal to please each other.  He shouldn't be nearly causing you injury, scaring you, and then telling you to like it.  That is a relationship where the power and control is out of whack!   Evidenced by his physically lashing out at you during sex!  Danger!

Why would he tell you that lots of girls like it?  Because some do.  Its called breath play or erotic asphyxiation.  This is not new information: When people lose oxygen to their brain it can heighten the sensation of an orgasm.  However, it is known as a riskier practice because engaging in it has caused numerous fatalities historically.  Orgasming to death?  Uhhhhh I'll pass, thanks.

Breath play is becoming increasingly popular in BDSM practices.  Obviously, it is infinitely more safe when practiced with a partner.  BDSM isn't "weird." In every culture all over the globe there is a certain percentage of the population that enjoys bondage, domination, sadomasochism, and humiliation.  So we can't knock them.  They are a legitimate sexual minority in their own right.  However, you know what is key about partners enjoying causing each other pain and discomfort?  Consent.

There is a distinct difference between willingly engaging in BDSM and being shocked when you find yourself physically violated.  Even the most deeply entrenched BDSM fanatic is able to describe the immense difference. 


That is what is so troubling about your story, FO.  You didn't enjoy what was happening to you and you didn't ask for it.   Your attempt to express your dislike of the activity was shrugged off.  The type of person who enjoys causing pain while ignoring consent is usually called a rapist.  At the very least they are someone lacking empathy.  I don't pretend to know why your boyfriend is this way but he doesn't sound like a good boyfriend.  Lets not waste time psychoanalyzing him - just get yourself safe!

Hoping you put yourself first,

- The Sexpert